this is real life

Well life is not what you always want, is it. I don know how to deal with stuff sometimes or if i can do anything about stuff that happens. I just dont know what to do. Jens Job is really killing her and i cant do anything about it. I am so helpless. I just want to help. Its not her fault. Why does life get so hard sometimes. I feel like winter is about life changing. I am feeling killed. My friends havent called me for a long time. I sometimes make the effort, and i do a bad job with it, so whats the piont. I dont want to be around people sometimes. I call some friends and they never call back. some people just dont call. I am so pathetic. I am like that little 8 year old crying kid, with his stuffed toy. talking to myself, but this is reality i am a wimp, a boy with out God. If i stop going to him i go back to being a babie. I havent really been reading his book as much as i should. I dont know why not i just dont have a taste for it. God hear me please and let me know you are present even in my absence. God i ask you to help. Be my dependancy. I come to you.

good simpsons quote

Homer: I just realised that the cat and the dog haven't had a wedding, they've been living in sin!

i am the 5th born but i think i fit the personality

You Are Likely a Second Born

At your darkest moments, you feel inadequate. At work and school. you do best when you're evaluating. When you love someone, you offer them constructive criticism. In friendship, you tend to give a lot of feedback - positive and negative. Your ideal careers are: accounting, banking, art, carpentry, decorating, teaching, and writing novels. You will leave your mark on the world with art and creative projects.

The Birth Order Predictor

rainy week

this week has been too long, like one of those weeks that can not get better just longer.
lets start with monday, wake up watch 24, starts cool...nature calls...nature clots the ultimate invention of the modern world, my porcaline meditaion seat...i caught it just in time to only dump about 2 gallons of water on the floor...after cleaning up i found out i had a hole from the bathroom to the kitchen ceiling light. so that sucked. tuesday my lack of edjumacation made me feel useless, then work...then i neglected my wife, then wed i woke up finished a sad book, got a bad hair cut, and now i sit in bed typing, next to my over worked wife and i feel responsible. ohh yeah i am watching really bad sci-fi tv.

i need to read more. be smarter. work more. eat less. work out. be a better husband. better friend, brother, son. and my neck hurts.

my wife is so cool, she is hot and deserves flowers

I am going to go to the store and buy my wife a crazy amount of flowers. Do we ever really appreciate what we have, i dont want to lose the chance to appreciate her

Untitled

I have no idea what to do. A couple years ago I thought I knew what I wanted to do as far as career, now I am not sure, which I am not worried about, but I think I should be. I mean jenny and I have so many things we want to do, not necessarily careers. We want to live in a foreign country, we want to be forest rangers, hike the mountains, live near the beach, none of these can really happen if I have a career. At least jens career has summers off. What should I do. Maybe I will go back to school, but I need to be paid to do it.

man its cold

the cold changes all my feeling about everything. I want to grow a beard, drink hot cider, make carmel apples, have a fireplace in my livingroom.
I love this weather but it also brings up a lot of feelings for the poor. this weather is really hard on the homeless. We need to be praying that they can find places to live, at least for the winter, and we need to be looking at our old coats and sleeping bags and money that we could spend to help them through the winter months. They say that the homeless get the most attention during the holiday season...well maybe thats good since this is the season that could be the hardest for them to survive in. so i hope that as we see a homeless person on the street we will make the effort to give them our coat, or buy them a meal or take them to a warm place and listen to them like jesus would listen to them. Lets not judge them lets look at them as people, not hobos or drunks. we need help if we can stand in our houses and look at them with judgement and pretend that we have it together so much better than them.

yummy, its in season

What do I choose

Well I am in this place right now where I am blogging a lot, I also Like to use the stickies to jot down my thoughts, and I like to write in my journal, and I want to use my typewriter more. Have I picked to many avenues for myself to communicate(with God, people, myself, jenny). Do I need to focus on one or two, Should I make the blog very informative and My personal journal(which is extremely nice might I add) more insiteful? With all this new time on my hands how do I find good ways to expressive again. When I write a lot in my blog I feel like I have exhausted my thoughts and don't feel much like writing with a pen, in a paper journal, and vise versa. Does anybody have any ideas? Should I just not be lazy and use all of them. By the way my type writer is cool.

wireless internet is everywhere

i am at lense crafters, and i am connected to the internet, i love it. I promise I will actually have meaningful blogs soon, i just love being wireless.

She's happy and I am happy

We are both happy with our new purchase, which makes me feel so much better about it, and she thought it was going to cost so much more, when I told her how much it cost she was relieved.

I am still kind of trying to get used to the Mac computer this is our first one and the prettiest one on the block.

I got it

ohh yeah I got it.
I got the new computer. Its beautiful. 12" powerbook. Yes I love it. I love it. Man I spent too much money on it though, I might be in trouble.

I cant sleep

You see I have this problem. I can sleep. I want to sleep, I like to sleep, I like sleeping next to my new wife. She is comfortable and soft and smells good. I just sit in bed and cant sleep. I want to sleep. Tomorrow is Christmas, maybe. I might be getting in my apple card, so I can go buy me a new toy. But I cant wait. Its not just the waiting that wont let me sleep. The last two weeks I haven't been able to sleep. I drank some wine, some beer, nothing. I watch the news, the boring channels, old cheers reruns. Which I love. I think I love Ted dungeon. Becker, cheers, two great shows. Anyway. I cant sleep. Its killing me. The only thing I haven't tried yet is reading. But its to dark in the room for that. Maybe I need a book light. Yes. Tomorrow I get my apple and my booklight. Then I will be able to sleep. I can sleep in the morning, just not at night. Why not. I like sleeping at night that's when jenny sleeps. She is hot, I like sleeping next to her. i sometimes run, that still wont help. I cant fall a s l e e p.

Quick thought

First of all kites xanga site is amazingly honest and insiteful.
second,
we are freed from the law, right, but we still try to follow the law, does the law still have any part in our lives now?

We might be getting a powerbook

So about the last 3 years I have wanted and dreamed and planned and wanted to buy a powerbook, I might be doing it. If my credit is approved I will soon be holding a small piece of mankind most powerful inventions, the computer, in a very attractive case. I am giddy. Stupid to be so excited about a computer...Yes. I might be a nerd. But my nerdness, isn't as bad as it could be. I will still put on my Guinness pajamas and drink my woodford reserve and smoke my pipe and read my books.

When I was younger I made a mental list of things I would like to do and own,
1. Get married to my best friend, check
2. live in a neiborhood where I could walk to the grocery store, check
3. Drink scotch or whisky in the cold, check
4. Own a manual typewriter, check
5. Learn to love fine wine and beer, check
6. Drive across the country with my wife, check
7. Have great camping gear, check
8. Go to another country, not check
9. Own a apple laptop, not check
10. Sit by a pond and drink wine with my wife, not check

I am sure my mental list is longer but I forget sometimes.

oh yeah, I am done with school, so the apple would be a graduation present. And jenny has a real job now. Things are very good. We are blessed daily even if we don't see it. Gods goodness is more apparent to me right now, which is sad, I wish I could focus on his goodness more consistently.

Reality

Well I have read a couple of my past blogs, and I apologize for my horrible spelling, and incomplete thoughts. I have been apologizing a lot recently.

I have been married for only like 6 weeks but I have already got myself on a path a negligence and miscommunication. I failed to see how harmful my words could become, they tear to the bone of my favorite person. They make me enter the camp of all those that have been before me harming her and cutting down her self esteem. I fell no different. I am amazed by the truth of the words from James."The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell." Every time I underestimate the truth of the word it seems to slap me in the face, not just a tap on the shoulder but a slap.

Everything evil in us comes out and shows us we are not perfect, by harming our most loved ones.

much prayer always needed.

Varekai

Well I didnt see any Elephants or monkeys, but the cirque du soleil was one of the most beautiful peices of art i have ever seen. I encourage all to see this show if you have the chance. Its expansive but so worth it. I almost cried when it started the music and color arises so much emotion. It really is amazing.

Marriage is amazing, she is so fun to live with and spend time with. I love being her best friend. She is amazing. being with her is so cool. thats all i can really say now.

Longest week ever

I will always remember this week, the week before my wedding. Murphy's law to a lesser degree. House smells like burnt eggs, almost flip my jeep, grand parent are sick and cant come to the weeding. Jens house is half painted half torn apart. Tuxedos don't look like jenny wanted. Its raining and wendy's is kicking my butt. I am still the happiest man alive. I am marring a beautiful woman who is my best friend, my favorite everything. When this weekend is over I will be a new man. Thank you God for blessing me even though I deserve nothing.

9 days left but whos counting

Well I am almost married, and what are my thoughts...I am so happy I am marring the most desireable woman in the world. I have my bachalor party this weekend, which is really a celebration party, I am about to start the hardest, most foreign, most exciting, most edjucating adventure, and i cant wait to celebrate it with some of my closest friends. the only thing is, days are real long lately.

lost!

well i happend again, my phone was taken by a group of pirates, dressed as policemen, to disguise their identity. its crazy now-a-days what pirates will do just to stay anonymous. so to make a short story long, I need phone numbers, i only know jens. all others are gone. please call me just to leave your number, if you want to talk we can, but i just want numbers to fill my lonely phone list.

less than 8 weeks away

I am real close to being married. What does that do to me? It makes me scared and excited. I have never felt like life was so real. Up till now life is kind of, well if this doesnt work i will try that, or it doesnt matter to much if i do this or that. now it all counts. Life counts. thats all for now.

Enjoying a scotch and a pipe

I recently went to Fados Irish pub to participate in some good old fashion smoking, with a scotch on the rocks and a bit of chips(potato wedges, Irish you know they use different words) but the experience was marred by a waitress who without reason avoided us and visibly favored others. Even though she did nothing "wrong" her lack of interaction made our time irritable. We think it was the fact that we did not drink the waters she gave us, or we picked the table that makes us bad people. Anyway the scotch was good as was the pipe and the company. I wish that I could do that more. Just sit and enjoy people and scotch and my pipe. Every other week or so. I have always wanted to be a "regular" for some odd reason. The only place I am a "regular" is my wendys, and my regular drink is "water, on the rocks".

Got to do something

I need to thank all who have recommended blue like jazz. I have had an awakening of the realness that is God. Lately with all the busyness God has been like my parents. I talk to them once a week, and they help me when they can, they have really influenced my life, but now they don't have much to do with what I do. The past couple of days I have been getting acquainted with God again. Its all been coffee and books and bagels, with music. The sound of ceramic ringing on the glass turntable, the two beeps for 60 seconds of microwaves speeding up the molecules in my coffee so that day after coffee will be enjoyable. The music of mars Volta newly burned from Tim. Wood floors, clean sweatshirt, books, these are what have jump started my relationship with Jesus.

76 days left

ok i have told myself not to count days but i just cant help myself. I am really excited about being married and being done with wedding planning. I sucks that such a wonderful day is fouled up by so many stresses of planning it. I mean if there was some way get married to the same person more than once then you wouldnt have to plan for just one perfect day of your life it would be like doing a big celebration every year. it would make the first one as crazy cause if something didnt work out you could do it the next time.

anyway i really am excited to be married, i wish i didnt count days but...I am just excited.

Life is for losing

Well we can never win, it seems that what ever we do we always lose. Earth is the closest i want to be to hell cause this sucks. Lets say you are me. You live so close to your love of your life you can walk to her house in your pajamas. You are getting married in three months, you move up in your job and dont have to serve tables anymore. things seem to be going good, but its easy to skrew it up, the past couple weeks you have worked like crazy, you are half awake, you cant remember if you dreams things or if they really happened, or if you saw it on TV. Jen goes away for vacation and you lose all reasoning, not calling means she is dead or married to a chippindale. When she gets back you manage to be a jack ass even though you missed her so much. And now what you have to look foward to is a crazy couple of months and being worried about money and whether or not you will make it out with out killing someone. oh and dont forget to not include time to worry about anything, ahhh ahhh ahhh ahh ahhhh ahhh ahhh ahhh. I am freakin out life just seems to be falling apart. my soundtrack is rage against the machine.

Now I never meant,
To do you wrong,
That’s what I came here to say.

But if I was wrong,
Then I’m sorry,
I don’t let it stand in our way.

As my head just aches,
When I think of,
The things that I shouldn’t have done.

But, life is for living,
We all know,
And I don’t wanna live it alone.

Sing,
Ah, ah, oh,
Sing,
Ah, ah, oh,
And just think,
Ah, ah, oh.
_coldplay

coldplay

I found this website that has some of the lyrics from the single coldplay is releaseing on may 23, I dont know how they got them but its good.
http://www.coldplaying.com/modules.php?op=modload&name=Sections&file=index&req=viewarticle&artid=299&page=1

am i normal

You Are 35% Normal (Occasionally Normal)

You sure do march to your own beat... But you're so weird, people wonder if it's a beat at all You think on a totally different wavelength And it's often a chore to get people to understand you

How'>http://www.blogthings.com/hownormalareyouquiz/">How Normal Are You?

my absence as a person

Well I just read my comments from my last blog and i realized how much i dont see anyone i dont work with or go to school with. I got to see jed and brian this week but other than that, nothing. My scheldule is so busy right now. I have so many tasks that need to be finished. I talked to my dad yesterday and he reminded me of a obvious truth...THIS IS NOT HEAVEN. bold and edgy. yes i am not in heaven this is not like heaven and will not turn into heaven by working harder and wiating longer. This life is work. I must not get confused and frustrated that "God seems to have it out for me" (I don't think that most of the time), but i need to think why do i try to make this life heaven, why don't i wait for heaven and not pretend it is someting it isnt.

Well my explination is this. I am impatient. I want the good to come and because i cant make God grant my every wish like a genie in a bottle, I use my own abilitys to be my own God. Which very quickly falls apart and The cycle continues until I can get over the fact that 100% of the time i need God.

By the way i miss all of you guys and sooner than we expect eternity in heaven will come.

The story of a blessing

I went to NM half expecting to get a jeep from my uncle half expecting to buy a bus ticket home. Turns out the jeep I expected to buy was not in "working" order. Longstory short...I drove home in a 94 Jeep grand cherokee. It is the nicest car i have ever owned and newest at that. I thought of getting a special license plate, "nomrhnda". All weekend I was reminded of the values of family. they celebrated in my future wedding with gifts and service. I hope i can do as good as a job as my parents and grandparents with family.

also one more thought. I have stressed out about the money i spent on my licence. Thinking I spent all the money for nothing. now i think i realize the money was not for the licence but for the dream to come true.

The era of the honda is coming to an end

2 more days and I will be stepping into my mystery transportation. I am buying a car from my uncle. I know its a 92' jeep...and it runs "fine". I hope fine means runs well enough to get jen and i from NM to OH.

I have been overwelmed this weekend by my relationship with Jen. I just think how? How did I get so lucky to meet and fall in love with jen, and the kicker is she fell in love with me too. I am crazy about her. I can't help it.
And I could go on with all the cool other things about her but I will just say this...Our lives as humans are stained with our past and future. we make mistakes that to honestly display them makes us cringe. with all that God seems to look upon us and Give us mountains, poetry, art, beaches, the warmth of the sun, the renewing of the snow, the freshness of rain. He has given us life that is worth living, because he doesnt see our past and future as we see it, which i cant explain how he sees it i just know he sees us as princes and princesses in his amazing kingdom.

now back to jen and me, she sees me as a prince and i see her as a princess. that is truly God physical display of his love for us.

I am afriad to reread this, it probably makes to sense at all.

bytheway use my Google search, I have already earned $1.75 this month

I would name it the Mighty One, like the movie. Bike fever, I want to ride man. 

Has anyone ever seen the motorcycle diarys. It an amazing beautiful movie. Inspiring everyone to buy a bike and tour the unknown country. Really that movie and the book My side of the mountain make me want to explore, luckly Jen and I get to drive my new vehicle across the country in a week from sunday. New mexico to Ohio. We get to see the southwest the midwest, half the world pretty much. I cant wait to get away from the wet cold for a while.

5 hours of Silence

My experiment needed to be conducted somewhere I could be entirely alone. the onlyplace i could think of was a Park or something, I ended up going to SharonWoods. I spent the first hour and a half out side. sitting, snaking on some bread and water. I was just too distracted be the cold to let my mind quiet itself. I walked around a bit, then sat in my car. which interesting enough was a quiet and comfortable place, to spend the next 3 hours.
I kept fonding myself wanting to ask God for things, and pursue issues. I tried to just allow my thoughts to go to Him. Giving my request and worrys a rest and allow God to wisper to me what he wanted me to hear.
The time i spent was different...I didnt get any revelations or hear any thunderus Voice of God, I think what I learned was I cant have a relationship with God if I am always talking and I need to trust God with my life, I think by praying I get a false sense that I am helping the situation. its like i start thinking well now I havent left it entirely in Gods hands, cause I had a part by praying.
I guess really my time was...fun. Me and God had fun. we didnt do anything, just had fun.

Solitude

Today I will experiment for a couple of hours. I will go be completely alone. I will deprive myself from inputs. No bible, no music, no books, no voices. I am bringing my journal to write down any thought that God will hopefully give me.

also, has anybody ever read the book My Side of the Mountain. Its amazing. I read it cover to cover last night. So good.

I have found an amazing web site. FrugalReader.com check it out.

two worlds in one

The devils greatest trick is convincing the world he doesnt exist.
More thoughts to come...

So I in a coffee shop, Comfortable, quiet, clean,...and because of a coupon, cheap. The sun shines on finely kept grass, clean roads, and new appealing buildings. people walk in and are greated with smiles, music in the backround calms your mind. thoughts are lost in coffee and goodness radiates from all directions wether phony or not. ON the other side of reality...Lives are being torn apart because of selfish actions, lies, lust. We cry and fight and get angry, with the direction we are on but do nothing to change that direction. this is the reality we hide with coffee shops and noise, wether audible or visual, or functions to distract. nobody goes to see the problems, we want to see the lie. A lie has always been an easy person to introduce, never to get to know.

Tired of this

Well I did it again. I started a new blog, I lost the address to my others so we will see how this goes.

Wow last night was an eye opener. I know that people can have a lot of crap go on in their life but last night I got a personal contact with it. The Pub. My friends going through relationship complications, that I don't cant understand, I don't think they understand. I seems to me that they are stuck in a relationship rut and just wont get out.

yeah I need reminders of that...If I didn't I would forget that life exist out side of my little world of engagement,school, money and friends.